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Saturday, May 7, 2016

Being Under 21 Is Not Fun

There are two huge things I figured out last night:

1. I am most certainly NOT 20 years old anymore, even if I don't have any ID to verify that.  Honestly, I don't know why that would be necessary given that I'm pretty sure I look at least roughly my own age. Moral of the story: shots are never a good idea.

2. I am a horrible friend who will choose to go to a birthday party instead of giving a toast at your wedding or will be a horrible wing man because I am completely oblivious to anyone's flirting.

I got to reconnect with a friend I had fallen out of touch with and the outcome was surprising.  It kind of opened my eyes to how self centered I can be.  I feel horrible because, most of the time at least, I pride myself on being very empathetic and considerate but how sanctimonious, and self involved I was in this situation was heart breaking.  I only saw one perspective...mine.  Needless to say I will be working my ass off to make it up to him and his wife because I am a huge douche!  Let's also add a little insult to injury and admit that I forgot that their first year anniversary was two months ago.  I have no idea why I even have friends!

Sage piece of advise from an old lady like me: If you plan to drive, get a drink, eat, or really do anything, you might want to remember to bring your wallet with your ID and your money.  Apparently yesterday was not my best day so I drove all the way to my friend's house before I realized that I don't have my wallet on me.  So basically I got to relive my 20th year again (broke and underage).  It was not fun.  And despite this, I still somehow managed to get absurdly drunk and had a very rude reminder this morning that I am almost 30 and shots are not a good idea no matter how much you want to relive your glory days.  My friend was kind of enough to provide me with a beverage at her house to get me started.
Urine Drink
Why am I drinking urine?  At least it was delicious.
This happens to be an alcoholic beverage and not actually urine.
Just wanted to make sure that was clear.

Though being drunk does have its upsides.  How else would you get tidbits like this?

Friend: "I always wanted to marry a Mormon and have lots of his babies because Mormon men are more assertive."

M: "I kind of want to start using a dental dam for oral sex."  
Me: "you want to start asking the guy to put on a mouth condom?"

M: "I get so lonely living alone that I've actually considered getting one of those robotic dogs or Alexa so that I would at least have someone to talk to when I get home." (She's actually a sane human being so she's not perfectly content being socially isolated like I am.)
My BFF at her beautiful new apartment that she is getting a robotic dog for.

I'll chalk up it up to a failed experiment of reliving my youth.  And I might actually be getting a friend back so not a completely wasted night (even though I WAS wasted).